Summer 1999 Game Updates

Game 1
May 26th, 1999
Dead Wings 7 Americans 2
Season Record 0-1
Dead Wings Rise...Again!
(Sugar Land TX) In Sports there are curses. The Detroit Lions have to play on Thanksgiving day and the Americans have to face the Dead Wings on the traditional season opener. It's been a looooong time since the Americans won a season opener from the Dead Wings. The last time it happened Captain Tim Madden tipped the scales under 200 lbs. Jim O'Neill still had hair and O.J. Simpson was still best known for his cutting...while running....with a football. The big news was the pickup of Wade "The Cardiac Kid" Fisher for David Bilodeau who was last seen pulling a U-Haul to Minnesota. Wade provided all the Americans offense, scoring both goals. The first was a result of some hard work in close and the second a blast past the Wings Goalie D'jour Jeff Shanbaum. All 7 of the Dwarfs scored for the Dead Wings in a lackluster Americans effort which featured MIA appearances by Tim Madden (on a honeymoon...like THAT is an excuse to miss a game), Brendan Hilton ( a Y2K victim) and Brian Hughes who is awarded BEERMAN status for next week for an unexcused absence.

Game 2
June 2nd, 1999
Americans 2 Blackhawks 2, OT
Season Record 0-1-1
At Least The Beer Was Cold
(Sugar Land TX) Last season two of the four Americans regular season losses came to the Blackhawks. The first meeting was a 4-1 win for the Hawks and the second was a 8-2 bashing. It looked early as if this would be another victory dance for the 'Hawks. After falling behind 2-0, the Americans rallied back on a second period Keith Lerner goal to battle back 2-1. In the third, Paul "GW" Staszesky punched in his first goal of the season to tie the score at 2 all. Fan of the game awards go to F.O.T.G. Marjorie who cheered on a stellar performance by Mark Yocum. The Americans offense suffered with the absence of their first round draft pick Wade "The Cardiac Kid" Fisher who was called on emergency duty to attend to Susan Lucci who was experiencing heart palpitations after finally winning her daytime Emmy. Also MIA were Tony Raia and Geoff Hodge. HHA scouts reported that Hodge was seen shopping for new fishing reels at Academy Sports. Seems Hodge's car broke down under the weight of 22 cases of Zebco 101's in the trunk. Damn foreign cars! In an exclusive interview with the new Mrs. Tim Madden she explained the reason for her HUGE smile at the recent Madden wedding was "Now I'll NEVER have to go to another damned hockey game...among other things".

Game 3
June 9th, 1999
Americans 3 Panthers 2, OT
Season Record 1-1-1
Pete Punishes Panthers
(Houston, Texas) Every time the Americans meet the "jersey stealing" Panthers it is always a battle. This game would be no different. Soft ice and lackluster skating left the first period scoreless. The lack of effort was probably due to the loss of player-coach Jim O'Neill. Since Jim was responsible for bring Paul Staszesky to the team, Paul probably stayed away from the game to carry Jim's bags. With those powerhouses MIA, it was up to Pete Babine to get off his asssssssssssssssss and earn his keep, which he finally did. After not scoring in what has seemed like a Millennium, Pete, with the help of linemates Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher and Tim "boy do I suck" Madden pumped in 3 successive goals. First, to go ahead 1-0 in the second period, 2-1 in the third, and 3-2 in overtime. Next week the Americans take on the ICE KINGS at Sugarland in the early 7:15 game. Hopefully they will not miss three players injured in this game: Brian Hughes (Ankle), Brendan Hilton (Face), and Keith Lerner (ASS).

Game 4
June 16th, 1999
Oil Kings 5, Americans 4
Season Record 1-2-1
The End Of The Lerner Curse
(Sugar Land, Texas) First there was the Iler Curse. Then the Lerner Curse. Now the Americans will have to devise some other wacko curse on which to blame their losses. With Keith Lerner on the bench with an ASS injury, Jim "The Missing Link" Laird was called up from the Marine International League to provide a spark. The Americans took an early 1-0 lead on a Madden Blast from the Blue line, and went up 2-0 on a Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher goal, but the good times would not last. A ping-pong goal made it 2-1, Tony Raia blew a 5 holer past Phil "D" Goalie, but penalties would prove to be the undoing for the much love d Americans Club. Two power play goals tied things up at 3-3 for the Greasers. Then after falling behind 4-3, the Americans drew even on a blast from Paul Staszesky and had appeared to climb back into the game. The game winner for the OilyMen came at the end of what appeared to be a 45 minute shift on a deflection off the back of Mark Yocum's goalie pads, rebounding off his ASS and into the net. They all count and we congratulate the Slick Ones on a hard fought victory.

Game 5
June 23th, 1999
Americans 6, North Stars 2
Season Record 2-2-1
Americans Win, Lose Stiller.
(Sugar Land, Texas) First, the good news. While Keith Lerner sat in the stands resting his sore ASS and cuddling with Mark Yocum's goalie coach, the Americans rolled up win #2 on the season. Pete Babine got the scoring started on a nice hustle play from Jimmy "Link" Laird. Tim Madden added two goals along with goals from Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher, a Tony Raia tip of a Geoff Hodge blast, and Paul Staszesky goal. The BAD news is that the Americans lost their second player in five weeks as Dave Stiller suffered a bad break of his arm between the shoulder and elbow. Unlike his hero Mike Modano, Davey will be out the rest of the season. Hopefully Lerner's ASS will heal in time to take on the Ice Holes next week. First star of the game goes to Wade Fisher who used his "medical juice" to line up Stiller with a specialist to get him back into the lineup as soon as possible. Dave is still not sure why the rectal exam was necessary for his arm injury, but he enjoyed it just the same. Heal Fast Mr. Stiller...we'll miss you!

Game 6
June 30th, 1999
Americans 7, Ice Holes 4
Season Record 3-2-1
But I'm Just A Caveman...
(Sugar Land, Texas) David Stiller was enjoying a morphine drip in the Hospital recuperating from surgery due to the injury suffered in last week's game as the Americans took the Ice with Davey's words ringing in their ears. "Win one for The Stiller". With the Infamous Lerner Curse lifted, the Americans recovered from a 2-1 deficit to rack up win #3 on the season against the feisty Ice Holes. After the game, Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player Jim Laird took exception to comments made by Steve "The Trooze" Truesdell and the two resorted to a lively bout of fisticuffs to decide who es muy macho. Judges scored Laird the winner 33-11 with the Russian judge disqualifying Laird for improper use of a Beard Trimmer. Returning to the ice was Keith "my ass is just fine" Lerner for the Americans, and legendary Houston rowdy Jim Franklin in Goal for the Ice Holes. An early penalty by Franklin set the tone that there would be a lot of contact in the vicinity of the goal crease. After the Ice Holes went up 1-0, Pete Babine tied the score at 1-1 but the Holes took advantage of an aggressive move by Americans defenseman Geoff "Zebco" Hodge to score on a rare 6 on 1 breakaway to take the lead. Hodge redeemed himself with a sweet pass to Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher and the Americans would not trail again. Paul Staszesky undressed Ice Holes goalie Jim Franklin with an ESPN highlight move on a breakaway to put the Americans up 3-2. Jim O'Neill's backhander from Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher made it a 4-2 lead. The Ice Holios (no relation to Corn) scored to come with in a goal again at 4-3 but Keith Lerner battled up the ice for an unassisted goal to make it a 5-3 lead. Chuck Shedd's goal for the Holes brought it to 5-4, but goals by Tony Raia and Tim Madden locked up the win for the Americans.

Game 7
July 7, 1999
Houston Brew 6, Americans 0
Season Record 4-2-1
What The Fu..?
(Houston, Texas) What can you say. A completely ODD game all around. With Paul Staszesky, Pete Babine, Brian Hughes and Andy Koerner MIA, Dave Stiller on IR and Jim Laird on status unknown, the Americans took the ice learning they'd picked up a win from a forfeit earlier in the season as an opponent played with an illegal roster. Try as they might the new line combinations just didn't mesh for the Americans. Toss in 5 (count, em) FIVE penalties on Senor Zebco and the Americans were down to just 8 skaters in an overall lackluster effort and a 6-0 loss to the Brew Crew. Amazing as it may seem goalie Mark Yocum turned in a stellar performance. Not often heard in a 6-0 game. But for Mark's efforts it may have been a double digit drubbing. Enjoy the week off boys...see you in 2!

Game 8
July 21st, 1999
Americans 3, Hooters 2
Season Record 5-2-1
The "Wick" Burns Hooters.
(Sugar Land, Texas) When the league's OLDEST Team (the Americans) meets the young legs of Hooters, it's always a great skate. However, in this meeting the Americans would be without the services of Jim Laird (fighting suspension), Brendan Hilton (Mini-B on the way) and Paul Staszesky (on Kennedy patrol in the NE). Add in the loss of Dave "The Zipper" Stiller who is out for the season (broken arm) and the Americans knew it would be a LONG night. With two key defenseman down, Tony Raia and Rod Fenwick were pressed into defensive service. Rod played so well that it may take some serious bribing to get OFF defense. After a scoreless first period, Hooters drew first blood early in the second on a blast in the slot that Mark Yocum had NO chance to stop. The Americans Captain Tim Madden changed up the lines moving Keith Lerner to the first line. The move proved genius as it paid immediate dividends. Lerner blasted home a rebound of a shot from Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher to tie the game at 1-1. After Hooters scored to take a 2-1 lead midway through the 3rd period, Geoff "Zebco" Hodge decided it was time to pinch. Geoff scored on a pass from Pete Babine to tie the game at 2 all. Geoff's affection for the penalty box is legendary. With just two minutes and change remaining in the game Geoff realized he'd not been penalized the entire game (after an ejection last week for 5 minor penalties). Hodge's penalty would turn out to be a stroke of good fortune. With just over a minute remaining and the Americans shorthanded, it appeared the best the Amerks could home for was Overtime. With 1:08 remaining, Hooters had the puck in the Americans zone but Tony Raia picked off a pass at the blue line and scored on a breakaway, burying game winner past Hooters goalie Jesse Bell. After the game Rod Fenwick was awarded First Star of the Game due to his stellar performance in his first stint on "D" as an American. In his typical understated manner Rod said "I learned it all from my dog". Rod's dog was unavailable for comment as he was still P.O'd from last week's episode of getting tossed from the Garage Roof...ALMOST to the pool. The SPCA investigation is still ongoing.

Game 9
July 28th, 1999
Dead Wings 4, Americans 3 OT
Season Record 5-3-1
Great Game. Bad Result.
(Houston, Texas) Just 8 weeks ago these same two teams met for the Summer season opener and the Dead Wings Drubbed the Americans 7-2. The second meeting would prove to be a much closer contest. The Americans reported missing Defenseman Brendan Hilton (new Baby Patrol...CONGRATS B-MAN!) and Paul something-or-the-other. It's been so long since old what's his name played that we'll have to check his ID in the locker room if/when he resurfaces. The Dead Wings put up the first points of the game midway through the first period but Andy Koerner waited until the last possible moment to bang home his first goal of the season. With .0000001 seconds remaining in the first Andy scored of Tim Madden's third rebound to tie the game at 1-1. The second period opened on a promising note as Pete Babine slid a (rare) pass to Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher to put the Americans up 2-1. After the Dead Wings tied the game at 2-2 in the third period, Pete Babine deflected a puck off his facemask to pull the Americans ahead 3-2. The play that tied the game for the Dead Wings will have Americans Goalie Mark Yocum talking in his sleep for the next week. A tight angle shot from behind a screen hit Yocum in the heel of the glove and the puck trickled in to tie the game at 3 all late in the third period. In OT it looked as if the Americans had the game in hand as Madden caught Dead Wing's goalie Jesse Bell out of the net. The missed opportunity would net a Wings winning goal on the next shift as Hat Trick Boy evaded the Amerk's defense to capture the win. A solid effort by two good teams. It's just a shame that "Elbows" had to prevail! Player of the game goes to Bob Groneman for showing up late to minimize the damage for the Dead Wings. What a team player!

Game 10
August 4th, 1999
Americans 4, Blackhawks 0
Season Record 6-3-1
'Hawks Undefeated No More.
(Houston, Texas) When the Blackhawks and the Americans last met the teams skated to a 2-2 OT tie. That tie was the the only blemish on an otherwise perfect season for the Blackhawks, until tonight. The 'Hawks entered the game +23 on the season to a meager +2 for the Americans. However, with the Americans locked in a three way tie for second place, the Amerks had a lot more to play for in this contest. And play they did. Just three minutes in, Tim Madden took a pass from Wade "like a surgeon" Fisher and put his own rebound past goalie #1 Phil Placzek. Midway through the first period, Prodigal Son Paul Staszesky made it 2-0 with a pretty backhander that beat the goalie top shelf. The 'Hawks switched goalies between periods but it would make no difference. In the second, Fisher slid a pass to Staszesky who promptly returned the favor, allowing Wade to slam goal #3 past Goalie #2, Brien Pierson. After the play, 'Hawks defenseman Brian Messier was overheard asking Pierson for defensive advice. Piersons best recommendation..."take up tennis". The Americans made it 4-0 as Jim O'Neill played the puck to center ice and Fisher went in on a breakaway. Madden took full advantage of the time available on the rebound. Tim checked the wind velocity, star charts, with his financial adviser and sports agent before lifting the puck past Pierson. The Americans went into a defensive shell in the third period, with the most excitement coming from Craig Keener showing off his scars from a recent Breast Reduction surgery. The DONUT award goes to Tony Raia, pressed info service on "D". Tony, along with the "H-men" Hilton, Hodge and Hughes teamed up for a stellar performance to assist in Mark Yocum's first shutout of the season. The Americans can assure themselves of a playoff spot next week with a win over the "Jersey Stealing Panthers".

Game 11
August 11th, 1999
Americans 2, Panthers 1
Season Record 7-3-1
It Wasn't Pretty, But...
(Houston, Texas) A win is a win is a win. That being said, this wasn't much of a win. After dominating the league leading Blackhawks last week the Americans were lucky to escape with a one goal win on visiting Panthers goalie Don Richie. With only 2 wins on the season, the Panthers were hungry for a win. The Americans needed a win to assure a playoff spot. With just :17 seconds left in the first period the Panthers lone goal came off a scramble in front of the Americans net. With the Americans starting the second period in a 1-0 hole, defenseman Geoff Hodge decided the best offense is a good defensive shot from the point. With Paul Staszesky creating a wide body screen, Geoff's shot found the back of the net to make it 1-1. Good old "GW" played an instrumental part on the winning goal as well. Midway through the second period Paul's hustle resulted in several close in shots on goal. One rebound came out to Pete Babine who beat the puck into submission until it finally crept into the net to make it 2-1. Both teams had a few good scoring chances in the third period, none paid off for either team and Americans goalie Mark Yocum accepted First Star of the Game honors for his strong performance which made it possible the the Amerks to come away with the thinnest of wins. Yocum's goals against has improved dramatically over the past four games. In the first 7 games of the season Yocum had an average of 4 GAA. In the last four it's dropped to just 1.75 GAA to end the regular season at 3.18. Nice to have a goalie get hot at the end of the season. Oh, and a final note. As Tim Madden spent much of the game on the defensive minded second line, Tim didn't have a lot of scoring opportunities, or to see his name in print. So this is for Tim. Captain Madden. The MADMAN. Timbo. The Timinator. Tim-o-rama. Senor EYA, Timboooooo. Drunkie no care!

Game 12
Summer Semi-Finals
August 25th, 1999
Americans 5, Houston Brew 2
Season Record 8-3-1
Americans Chill Brew.
(Sugar Land, Texas) As the Zamboni circled the ice before the game, two Brew players were overheard discussing their game plan. They decided the best bet was to just "shut 'em out like we did last time". Imagine their surprise when the leagues oldest team took the ice full of determination and plenty of Ben Gay. The first half of Period 1 was scoreless until Pete Babine scored on a pretty play as he was being hauled down to make it 1-0 with 8:08 remaining. Pete's second goal with 5 minutes left in the first put the Americans up 2-0. The teams battled even in the second but early in the 3rd period Babine's third goal looked as if it would be the final nail for the Brew Crew. Minutes later the Brew responded with a goal to make it 3-1. Ironically it was a chippy play by the Brew that would cost them the backbreaking 4th goal. Wade Fisher had been taken down along the boards in the Americans offensive zone and was late getting back up the ice. Keith Lerner forced a center ice turnover and passed the puck up to Fisher who was in behind the Brew "D" and scored to make it 4-1. The ever-scrappy Foamies scored late in the 3rd to make it 4-2 but it was too much, too little, too late. Babine's empty netter made it a 5-2 win. But, the Brew didn't leave quietly. Since there would be no championship hardware they decided to go for the "Cheap Shot Award". After the teams completed the customary handshake, Eric "the half-a-brain" sucker punched Americans Player/Coach Dave Stiller with the butt-end of his stick. Stiller took five stitches to the lip and Andy Koerner broke a finger coming to Stiller's rescue. Hey Genius! Nobody likes to lose. It's even worse when you lose with no class. And worse yet when you cheap shot a guy then beat a quick exit from the rink to avoid having to face up to your actions. The Brew and the league will be better off without that type of player.

Game 13
Summer Season Championship
September 1, 1999
Dead Wings 5, Americans 1
Season Record 8-4-1
Season Ends As It Started.
(Sugar Land, Texas) You'd think that eventually the law of averages would even things out between the Americans and the Dead Wings. But this season the answer to the question "Who OOOOOWWWWNZZ the Americans?" would be "The Dead Wings". After a 7-2 pasting in the season opener, the Amerks improved to lose 4-3 in OT in the second meeting. The third time was the charm. Problem was, the charm belonged to the Dead Wings, lead by dashing Dean Hill and Bob "elbows" Groneman. As most of the goals were scored by the Wings, Mr. Groneman was gracious enough to take a moment from his hectic schedule of 'net surfing and hanging out in Jerry Garcia chat rooms to provide the following game summary:

"We Won".-Robert E. Groneman Sept. 1, 1999.

Thanks for the time and effort, Bob. If that's anything like your closing arguments in court, we understand why you have so much spare time! For those who are still awake, game summery in brief. Tight first period. Wings pull ahead 3-0 on two goals in :30 second span in 2nd. Tim Madden knuckles one past Jessie "Ring My" Bell to make it 3-1. Yadda yadda yadda, game over 5-2. Highlite of the game was the debut appearance of Haley Hilton. After the game she was awarded 1st star of the game honors for distracting the Americans fans attention away from the on-ice carnage. We're looking forward to her joining the team ASAP! As this performance showed, we could use the young legs and she'd definitely help in lowering the team's average age...to about 39!

Next Game: Season opener tenatively scheduled 9/29/99. Watch this space for E-tails.