Fall 2000 Game Updates

Game 1
Dead Wings 4, Americans 1.
October 4, 2000
Season Record 0-1-0.

Something Old, Something New, Fall Debut Really Blew.
(Sugar Land, TX) The season opener marked the first time in recent memory that Mark Yocum wasn't between the pipes for the Amerks. Yocum did, however, receive game MVP honors for leaving behind a supply of barley pops prior to defecting to the great white North. David Stiller turned in a Stellar performance in his return to goal for the Americans, but the summer rust was obvious on the rest of the team. The season opener also marked the return of prodigal son Don Egdorf, on parole from a detention center in Florida as well as longtime Carraban/Amerk Ti Shuman. The newest American, Jim Costello, was put to work right after the game as Steve Santini of the Panthers broke his ankle on the other sheet of Ice. While Dr. Costello lost in his Amerk debut, it wasn't a TOTAL loss, as he added a new patient to his roster. NOTE TO YOCUM...Supplies low (stop) send reinforcements (stop) we love ya, man. (stop).

Game 2
Oil Kings, 8 Americans 3.
October 11, 2000
Season Record 0-2-0.

Amerks Captain Deserts Team, Loss in the "Cards".
(Sugar Land, TX) Airfare to St. Louis. $250. Tickets to Cards playoff game $150, drinks at game $1785, money lost on bet that Cards would win $500, dancers fees at PT's, $800, Drinks at PT's, $2,100, bail money $500. Not being in Houston to witness this game: PRICELESS. Ever have one of those games when EVERYTHING you shoot goes in? Ask the Oil Kings...it happens. Goals went in off helmets, ref's asses, fans doing the wave, the speedy Marc Tushnit scored a goal...while STANDING! (deflection off a blocker) Hey, Stiller stopped all the hard ones, but sometimes the bounces go the OTHER way. The official scorer was unable to account for the Oil Kings goals due to lack of Instant Replay (or an official scorer OR timekeeper) But the Americans goals were credited to Staszesky (gotta be the pants), Hodge (who managed a 1-1 ratio for the game) and Pete Babine. Worse than absorbing the second loss of the season was absorbing the MILLER product that appeared after the game. Game analysts were overheard after the game commenting "this would never happened if Mark were here". NOTE TO YOCUM. Taste panel volunteers abound (stop) send the applications (stop) if applications unavailable, send beer. (stop).

Game 3
Maple Leafs 10 Americans 1.
October 18, 2000
Season Record 0-3-0.

Leafs Blow Past MIA Americans.
(Sugar Land, TX) Trust me, you do NOT want to read a summary of this one.

Game 4
Hooters 8, Americans 1.
October 25, 2000
Season Record 0-4-0.

Baby Steps.
(Houston, TX) Last week 10 goals, this week 8. Remember, it's PROGRESS that counts, and this season we're measuring it in BABY STEPS...really really small baby steps. This weeks progress report: Goal from Egdorf, no penalty minutes from Hodge and a goal for O'Neill. OK, it was for the other team, but it's a start. Remember, baby steps. That one goal could unleash some sort of pent up deluge of goals that have been waiting 40 years to be scored....or not. But it's a start. Post game ESPN analysis indicated that the major reason for the poor performance was lack of leadership due to the loss of Team Captain Tim Madden. Madden was in Sweden on a mission to improve relations between our countries. (or was it to have relations with someone from their country, I don't recall exactly). This marks two of the first four games that the Americans were forced to go into battle without their Skipper. Team Motivational Speaker Jim Costello took time from polishing his van by the river to guarantee a win next week. (a win in this case is loosely defined as a game in which everyone gets their skates on the right feet, no one gets hurt, jailed or run over in the parking lot). We hope he is correct.

Game 5
North Stars 10, Americans 4.
November 1, 2000
Season Record 0-5-0.

You Should NOT Have Cut Me II.
(Sugar Land, TX) Whether is was a Karma thing or a birthday thing is yet to be determined, but former Amerk Ken Veseleny's three goals lead the North Stars to their first win of the season, while the Americans stayed perfect at 0-5-0. At the midway point of the season, it looks like the Amerks have the first round lottery pick wrapped up. The baby step progress continued as the Americans tallied a season high four goals. "We just didn't realize that babies took such small steps" said new papa Rod Fenwick. Maybe next week baby will learn how to skate, shoot and backcheck.

Game 6
Outlaws 4, Amerks 3 OT.
November 8, 2000
Season Record 0-5-1*.

*ot loss

Shuman Saves The Day.
(Houston, TX) When the Amerks hit the ice at the fabulous Sharpstown Ice Palace realizing there was NO goalie in sight, panic was rampant. Except for the cool, calm collected Ti Shuman. (this may have had SOMETHING to do with the fact he'd spent the last several hours at HOOTERS downing beer and wings, and it SEEMED like a good idea at the time to fill in as a goalie). Now, this was NOT the first time Mr. Shuman has stepped between the pipes. Counting when he was just a wee lad, it was his FOURTH. This time however, there would be no goalie pads, massive leg pads, no blocker, but using a borrowed goalie stick from the OTHER goalie, Ti pitched a SHUTOUT first period and gave the Amerks a chance to win it all as the game headed to OT tied at 3-3. Alas, it was not meant to be as the Amerks spent the first :43 of OT shorthanded on a carryover penalty on Geoff Hodge (JR) and failed to mount an offensive attack in OT. After the game Ti showed off the scars of a warrior who faced numerous slapshots without the benefit of a chest protector, goalie mask, pads or blocker. His effort earned the Amerks their first POINT of the season in the OT loss, and MVP status for the game...if not the season!

Game 7
Americans 4, Panthers 4.
November 15, 2000
Season Record 0-5-1-1.

Hey, It's Not A LOSS!

(Sugar Land, TX) SPECIAL TO HHA by Cub Reporter Jim 'does this hurt' Costello
Well, the baby steps continue. After much verbal abuse in the locker room for last weeks no -show, Stiller took to the ice prepared. The Amerks played a solid first period, jumping out with 2 goals. A few unlucky bounces later and perhaps a bit of complacency on behalf of the forwards, and the lead was lost as the Panthers tied it up. The Amerks pushed some more and had some more tallies added. Going into the third it appeared that we were ready to celebrate a victory. Damn shame that the clock didn't run out then. Panthers manage to get a couple of unanswered goals to tie it up. A few players made reference to the fact that since Jim and Tim were scratches, our average age on the team got younger by a decade. The goals came from: Ti, Keith, Hodge, and Costello. Some pretty and some ugly. Everyone stepped up the play and a good time was had by all. The ugliest play of the night was watching Stiller in the parking lot trying to get his "swerve" on with the female goalie.. fortunately Joel was there to step in and offer advice on many unrelated and unsolicited topics. My I pass on to all a wish of "Happy Thanksgiving"!! Enjoy the time with family and friends, and when you're sick of that.. let's get back to the ice !!

Game 8
Houston Brew 7, Americans 0.
November 29, 2000
Season Record 0-6-1-1.

Worst Meets First.

(Sugar Land, TX) For complete game details, see week #3. Next week, a much needed BYE week as the Amerks plan their strategy for their playoff run.

Game 9
Oil Kings 6, Americans 4.
December 13, 2000
Season Record 0-7-1-1.

Kings Crown Americans.

(Sugar Land, TX) -Jim "cub reporter" Costello-
Hello Amerks fans (you gluttons for punishment). With the playoffs in sight, the Amerks suited up prep'd for combat. "Strategy" was not high on the priority list as much as "can we fill a bench?" Well, fortunately we had an admirable turn out. The fun began early. The Oil King's 6'8" behemoth with the reach that makes any defenseman feel like a dolphin swimming into a tuna net managed to squirt a 3 inch puck into a 4 inch hole. Story of Stiller's life .. always just one inch short.. like this reporter has room to talk. The Amerks bowed down to none as transitional play picked up. Period one ended with a close matched 2-1 contest. The second period was probably best described as a mixture of equally kinetic and yet lackadaisical performance by the boys in blue. Game synopsis...In the opinion of this cub reporter, the Amerks not only played hard, but would've skated off victorious had the game been a 4 or 5 period thoroughfare. Amerks goals were as such.. Pete had a puncturing 5-holer that left the Oil Kings net minder looking downward at his new status as a eunuch; this cub reporter (Costello) enjoyed the efforts of his linemates with his first (and undoubtedly ONLY) hat trick. The back hander was the only gift from Santa that I'll get this year!! With the post season lurking, what can be said of the Amerks scheduling during the playoffs? UMMM .. "off ice practice?". Oh, back to the game.. Were heads held high? yes.. were topless dancers summoned to nurse the wounds gingerly?.. no (Ti.. what;s up with that?) The Amerks are poised for their next opponent (Who is it by the way?) and ready to shame them into leaving the parking lot first having NOT consumed all of obligatory hops and barley. A matter of interest... winter (and I use the term loosely) has finally hit us .. parking lot concessions were forced to be consumed with protective insulatory efforts. What the hell? Am I back in Chicago? Next entry shall be provided by our Yoda....O'Neill.. the insufferable leader. laughs.. beers.. and unbridled aggression I love hockey.

Game 10
Leafs 8, Americans 3.
December 20, 2000
Season Record 0-7-1-1.

An Almost Perfect Season.

(Sugar Land, TX) The list of Amerks who were MIA was almost as long as the ones who showed for the game. Yes, it's been a disappointing season but hanging your homies out to dry isn't the answer. Knowing that firepower would be missing and the best that could be hoped for was a competative game, the Amerks picked up A leaguers Eric "you don't have to call me" Johnson and Wayne Millice. Even that wasn't enough to match the league leading Leafs. Looks like the Americans will miss out on the playoffs for the first time in team history. Losing, and losing a brewmaster goalie in one season has tested the mettle of this team. Fortunately, the humor in the locker room and parking lot camraderie has eased the pain of a very frustrating season. Next years draft should be an interesting affair, to say the least. See you next year for the season finale, and the retirement of Jersey #44. Make sure you wear a collared shirt.

Game 11
Hooters 5, Americans 5.
January 3, 2001
Season Record 0-8-1-1.

Giant Baby Steps.

Houston, TX) When the Amerks met the Hooters in week 4, it was an 8-1 blowout. So, the fact that the Amerks hung in with a chance to tie on several shots late in the game meant there has been a little improvement. Hey, we're grabbing at straws here to make this season look like anything other than what it was. Thanks to waiting a few days for the writeup, only two goals were memorable. The one scored by this cub reporter (O'Neill) and the battling goal by Brian Hughes. But, it was the best effort of the season by far and first star goes to EVERYONE who showed up for the game and played their a**es off. Paul Staszesky was the one MIA, rumor had it he was in the hospital having his accent removed. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET! Thanks to our first ever last finish, we get a bonus game against the Panthers next week...good seats are still available. In fact, bring your stick...you can even play!

Game 12
Panthers 6, Americans 3.
January 10, 2001
Season Record 0-9-1-1.

Lets Win One For The Gimper.

(Sugar Land, TX) It seemed like a cruel joke. After losing a team record eighth game last week and putting Lerner out to pasture with a freezing party in the Sharpstown lot and a Tex Mex no habla fiesta...HHA calls to inform us there is one more game yet to play. The Americans drew the Jersey Stealin' Panthers for the Bonus Game, thanks to an odd game left in the schedule. Win or lose, we'd be at home next week. But, it'd be nice to win that last game for the Gimper...Keith Lerner, forced into retirement with Gavrillaesque symptons. And, since the Amerks TIED the Panthers on November 15th, it looked like that could actually happen. That was, until the Panthers unleashed their latest aquisition, Gonzo Jim. Gonzo tallied up four goals and created a generally unhospitable atmosphere to cap off Lerner's HHA career. After the game Lerner reminiced of the old days when there were just a couple teams, back before gunfire at Sharpstown, back when Coke was still Cola, and a joint was a bad place to be. Back before Clinton lied to us all on TV....(hey, isn't this a Merle Haggard song?). Rumor has it that Lerner will make occasional visits to the bench to coach on the Amerks in coming seasons. It just won't be the same. For those of us who shared the ice on the Americans, Carrabbas and Blues...we'll miss you, ya Gimp. Hope this doesn't mean the hockey group drops out of rotation at the infamous pool parties!