Americans

Fall 2001 Game Updates

Game 1
Americans 5, Maple Leafs 4.
October 31, 2001
Season Record 1-0-0.

If He Yells "MOMMY" we're OUTA here!
(Sugar Land, TX) If he yells Mommy we're outta here! We thought we'd heard it all. First it was "....you're a cock and you know it", then it was "HHHHEEELLLLPPPP" and now it's "Owwiiieee". Yes, that's the exclamation uttered by one of our taller D-Men as he was slashed in the corner during the initial few minutes of the game. Bet that left a mark! But I swear if somebody calls for Mommy next week, he's buying the beer. And the Americans almost had to buy a win this week as Eric "the Big" Johnson tried to dent steel rather than score. But finally score he did in an impressive 5-4 win against the always-strong Maple Leafs. Additional goals added by Geoff "the Nut Cracker" Hodge, Pete "you wanna see my scar" Babine, and Bruce "I'm Canadian" Burak insured a victory. In a pre-game interview on "The View" goalie Dave "Battery Pads" Stiller assured his fans that things would be different this season as he had finally "broken in the pads". After last weeks performance we suggest he have sex on the pads with his new "lady friend" at least 12 more times and this time wipe them off before bringing them to the rink! This week's game is against the Houston Brew. Fans don't forget its Jimmy Frame night. Tell your favorite "drunk Jimmy" story and receive a free pass to an AA meeting of your choice. Tell them "Jimmy sent me".

Game 2
Houston Brew 7, Americans 2.
November 7, 2001
Season Record 1-1-0.

No Cure For Cancer
(Sharpstown Ice Toilet) Alright already I know Denis Leary already used this title, but the reason there is no cure is because I'm being forced to write these game recaps. Especially this one. You see the score above. Would you want to write this one? The best thing you can say about this game was that it was an 8:15 start, leaving sufficient time for post-game re-hydration. I was going do the usual listing of the scorers but instead I decided to list all of our players who were even or better on the +/- side of things. Here they are:

I'm certain we will have a better showing this week as the American fight for truth, justice and the American way against the always hated Deadwings. Game time is 9:45PM @ Sugar Land. See ya on the ice.

Game 3
Deadwings 5, Americans 4.
November 14th, 2001
Season Record 1-2-0.

The Curse of the Wings!

(Sugar Land, TX)Saw this one coming didn't you. Ask yourself how can a team go up by 3 goals and still lose 5-4 with only seconds remaining in the game? Hey, it's not easy but with almost miraculous consistency the Amerks still manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The usual guys scored, but not enough. Dave stopped pucks, but not enough. Then everyone drank beer and told Groneman stories. We ran out of beer before we ran out of stories. Next week it's those jersey-stealin' Panthers and a chance to save Burak for deportation.

Game 4
Panthers 6, Americans 4
December 5th, 2001
Season Record 1-3-0.

Bruce, where should we send your mail?

(Sugar Land, TX) With a chance to save both our pride and Bruce Burak's green card (ask Bruce's boss, Panther John Parks) by beating the Panthers what do you think would happen? Well at least Bruce will be home for Boxing Day! As usual the Amerks started out strong. Tim "does this ass make my pants look big" Madden scored on his own rebound in the first 2 minutes; with follow-up tallies by Eric "the Big" Johnson, Brendan "don't call me American" Hilton, and Pete "I don't coach basketball anymore" Babine you'd think a 4-2 lead going into the third would be safe. It looked like a sure win and then the whistle blew for the dreaded third period. The vision of a win soon changed with bad calls and butthead responses leaving the Amerks two men short for most of the 3rd. The Panthers scoring in the last minute of play sealed the deal and the Amerks were staring at their worst start in over one season! Well there's always next week. Come see the Americans humiliate Brian Messier and Craig Keener in the Blues alumni game.

Game 5
Americans 9, Blackhawks 3
December 12th, 2001
Season Record 2-3-0.

Can we save some of these goals for next week?

(Sugar Land, TX) There is nothing better than playing against old (really old) "friends", except maybe beating their asses. With Captain Brian Messier not having one of his better drafts (probably didn't even stiff the waitress on the tab) you can tell the Blackhawks didn't sink all their money into good goaltending. The list of Amerks scorers reads like the "Johns" list at a Hilcroft prostitution sting. Everybody scored, it was a team effort, but special mention must go to Geoff "I scream, you scream, we all scream for the Walnut" Hodge and his abortive attempt for a hat trick. With a chance to make the score double digits to 3 Geoff took a perfect face-off feed and turned it into goalie jersey jewelry. With that win notched don't be caught without a ticket for next weeks game as the Amerks struggle to reach the .500 mark. Remember its "Toys for Twats" night. Bring a body suit for your favorite female goalie and she just might model it for you.

Game 6
Americans 1, North Stars 0
December 12th, 2001
Season Record 3-3-0

X-Mas comes early for the Amerks

(Sugar Land, TX) Well it's not a score you'd expect to see in an HHA game but Santa and Chanukah Dave gave us the best gift of all, a shutout 1-0 victory! Like all the Amerks wins this season it was a team victory; trouble was that half the team didn't show up. Those that DID make it played their ass off. Much like the Magnificent Seven victory to start off last summers' season this game this was a victory won with great effort. The Americans honor roll for this game was as follows: Eric Johnson, Geoff Hodge, Jim Costello, Lynn Duncan and Tim Madden as forwards; on defense Brendan Hilton, Brian Hughes, and Jimmy Frame. Of course in goal was that shutout master himself, Chanukah Dave Stiller. Note: If you don't see your name here please report to the principal's office with a note by next Wednesday. The lone goal was scored by EJ off a turnover forced by Madden in the NorthStars zone late in the first period. The score should have ended up 2-0, but a goal by Geoff Hodge on a give and go feed from Madden was disallowed due to the fact that the refs couldn't see it from center ice! It's hard to see goals scored from the red line, but the refs were probably unable to keep pace with the ultrafast Hodge. The Amerks have petitioned the league to appoint Pat Andrade goal judge for all remaining Americans games.

Next game is January 2nd, 2002 vs Wendy and the Outlaws. It's "just my size" goalie night - one lucky winner will take home either Wendy or Dave (clothes sold separately). The choice is up to you!

Game 7

Americans 3, Outlaws 4
January 2nd, 2002
Season Record 3-4-0.

First game of the new year. We had the lead. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

...write your own game summary here.

Game 8
Americans 1, Hooters 4
January 9th, 2002
Season Record 3-5-0

.500 looks pretty far away now.

Game 9
Americans 1, Brew 3
January 23rd, 2002
Season Record 3-6-0

Well it's better than the first 7-2 loss against them!

Game 10
Americans 4, Panthers 1
January 30th , 2002
Season Record 4-6-0

Those Jersey Stealin' Bastards...

The Toilet Bowl and Battle of the Network Stars all rolled into one. Well at least we're in the playoffs! Time to go into the playoff with a win streak.

Game 11
Americans 3, NorthStars 4
February 6th, 2002
Season Record 4-7-0

4-7=Playoffs? Cool!

First the Rams lose the Super Bowl to the (cough) NE Pats, then the Amerks break a one-game winning streak. I swear if Jimmy Frame learns to play the accordion it will mark the beginning of the Apocalypse!

PLAYOFFS
Americans 5, Houston Brew 3
February 13, 2002
Season Record 4-6
2002 Playoff Record 1-0

Were Proud To Be Americans!

(Sugar Land, TX)…….where at least we know we've won!!! Sorry for the patriotic celebration but when you haven't been in the playoffs for a while, and you haven't won a playoff game in a few years, it is time to celebrate! As usual it was a great team effort with goals scored by Babine(2), Frame, Costello, and Holbrook. At the second period break, with an early 4-1 lead, the Amerks talked a good third period strategy---which of course they did not follow. You know the usual we've got a big third period lead so "play position, hard up the boards, nothing in the middle, forwards back check, yada, yada, yada". Before you can say "wow that was a quick two goals!" the Brew trailed by only one. From that point on play got a little better and tough netminding by Dave "have you met my 4th new girlfriend in two weeks" Stiller kept the team in the game. During one flurry Stiller turned away 9 shots and two dates! (Please visit Dave's new d(m)ating service "Thanks for Cumming" on the web his new site (www.himynameisdavemayIsleepwithyoufortwoweeksthendumpyou.com.) With minutes remaining and heavy pressure from the Brew, Babine iced the victory with a nifty goal on a pass from Tim "the new Jared" Madden. The fifth and final goal turned the Brew flat and the game and their season ended. Remember to make those tee times early boys!

Next weeks opponent /game time is TBA and fans remember to use Playoff Ticket B for this one. The first 100 fans will receive the Jimmy Frame "accordion player" bobble head doll.

Healthy scratches: Eric "where's my checkbook?" Johnson, Don "Do you know how fast you were going?" Egdorf, and Brian "it could be worse, I could be Ken Lay" Hughes.